I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
