my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize