How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
