that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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