I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
