please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
