There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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