At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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