Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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