Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
