Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
