I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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