I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
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New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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