A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
