You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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