If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize