I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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