Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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