I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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