I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
