so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
