My liver just broke up with me...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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