So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
