nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
