my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
