just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
