you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
