I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
