I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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