Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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