when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
