The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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