So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
