I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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