I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
