i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
