i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
