oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
