my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
