Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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