I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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