If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
