I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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