you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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