I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
