Plan B is the new Plan A
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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