Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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