oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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