That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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