my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
