How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize