you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
