Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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