Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
