NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
