Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize